Pro Tips for Calling Your Republican Representatives

You may have noticed that the Trump regime is bombing elementary schools, deporting and detaining children, building concentration camps, and trashing both the economy and our standing in the world. Unless we can find a handful of Republicans who are willing to stand up and impeach him, Trump will continue to crash forward consequence-free. The same goes for whatever happened during his long “friendship” with Jeffrey Epstein.

“Wait for the midterms” doesn’t work. Trump is already frantically looking for ways to sabotage the elections, and the conservative sycophants in the Supreme Court are all too happy to chew up the Constitution and vomit it back into his weirdly puckered mouth.

The only way anything changes—and we have a rapidly vanishing window for this—is if we can get enough of the Republican enablers in Congress to put the country first and throw Trump out. American citizens have changed the minds of Congress with overwhelming volumes of phone calls before, and we can do it again.

One of the most patriotic things you can do right now is to burn up phone lines and flood Congressional voicemails with demands for impeachment and removal. And that goes triple if you have Republican reps, because they’re the ones we need to sway.

A few pointers:

• Stick to your own state and district. Senator Corndunk is already actively running interference for sex offenders; there is nothing that will cause him to suddenly start caring about citizens who can’t vote him out. This is about sustained public pressure, not a miracle of conscience.
• Be scrupulously polite if you talk to a live human being. The minute you shout or swear, the person who answered Representative Dustywattle’s phone can write you off. You can add a little passion to a voicemail, but remember that a human being will be listening to it. Do I have to say no threats? No threats.
• Remain calm, but don’t cede the truth. Senator Scumpuffer’s staffers will have Fox News talking points that they keep closer to their hearts than any family member. Be patient and insist on staying in this dimension’s reality. “No, numerous reports have shown that the vast majority of people kidnapped by ICE have been law-abiding. And a bunch of them have been American citizens.”
• There is a strong chance that Congressman Swampchugger’s staffers will stop answering the phone as the heat turns up. Leave a message. They can’t tally complaints they don’t get.
• On that note, keep calling, daily if possible. Anyone can get fired up enough to call once, blow off steam and forget about it. Your Republican representatives are counting on that. When you keep calling, you are making it clear that you have a sustained fury that will not go away until Trump does. If Senator Buttcramp won’t do his job, he goes too.
• They already have voting records tied to your phone number, and Representative Hosebeast’s staffer is likely to pull yours up during your call. If you haven’t voted much in the past, it can make you even scarier. Let them know that you are registered and you are highly motivated to go to the polls.
• Sometimes going naïve can be effective. “I don’t understand why Senator Gonkwaffle would risk his career and reputation to protect a bunch of wealthy child molesters. Can you explain that to me?” “If Trump destroyed Iran’s nuclear capabilities a few months ago, how did they recover so quickly? Is Representative Dinglewhippet concerned that the President lied about that? Is he concerned that the President might be lying now? Why not?”
• If you don’t have the energy for a back-and-forth, just draw a straight line to consequences. “I don’t want concentration camps in my country, and I am holding Representative Batgrabber personally responsible. I will vote and volunteer and donate to anyone who has a chance of kicking her out.”
• If you are of the I Hate to Talk on the Phone Generations, believe me, I get you. This not a regular phone call. Treat it like free therapy. The aide will ask if you have an opinion to share with Senator Weedwhiner. Share it. Share it firmly.
• If you live in a red state, you already know how to speak Republican. Layer that in everywhere you can.
  • My great-grandfather did not serve in World War II so that masked men with guns could demand to see my papers.”
  • “I thought Senator Tatertown was a Christian. Doesn’t he believe it’s a man’s highest duty to protect innocent young girls?”
  • Representative Trumpsnuffler said he was America First. Why is he supporting a foreign war for a foreign nation?”
  • If the GOP is the party of personal responsibility, why haven’t there been any consequences for the monsters in the Epstein files? Doesn’t it bother Representative Eyesore that the French are being much more courageous about this than he is? The French!”
  • “I want my tax dollars to help Americans. Shouldn’t Senator Cruz be fleeing to Hawaii instead of Mexico?” (OK, that one’s just for the joy of it.)

Donald Trump is not going to get any smarter. He will not magically become stable. He is in obvious mental decline.

He’s not going to start caring about people or this country or the world. Watch his speeches: he actively enjoys thinking about death and violence. And he is—for some reason—in such thrall to both Putin and Netanyahu that he puts their interests above the United States, to the tune of thousands of deaths so far.

It doesn’t get better until we throw him out. The Republicans won’t throw him out until we terrify them with the sheer number of people determined to throw them out.

You could have made all three calls in the time it took you to read this. Call.