Some Good News about Bribing the Sitting President of the United States
In this increasingly challenging modern world, it’s easy to assume that bribing the sitting President of the United States must be a complicated process, one that carries great personal risk. The good news? Nothing could be further from the truth. Say what you will about the Trump Administration’s efforts to streamline government “ending up with all of our Social Security data uploaded to an insecure cloud,” or “potentially killing millions of people,” the bribery process is now lightning-fast and easy enough for everyone to enjoy.
That ease is the first thing that should take a load off your mind. Most people assume that bribing the sitting President of the United States will involve late-night dead drops or intricate bank transfers between shell companies. Nothing could be further from the truth! Even during the first Trump Administration, all one had to do was rent an unnecessarily large block of hotel rooms at wildly inflated prices. But Trump 2.0 has pared that down even further.
Donald Trump’s heroes are mostly ruthless dictators like Vladimir Putin or Viktor Orbán, but he knows how to take a tip from a savvy businessman. In this case, it’s fellow Republican Spiro Agnew, a simple, earthy man of the people who liked to have his bribes brought into the Vice President’s office in simple brown paper bags. Practical for lunchtime meetings!
However, Donald Trump cares too deeply and tenderly about the environment to waste paper bags. That’s why he has set up a cryptocurrency company and a meme coin. Oh, and another meme coin for Melania that’s doing just great.
If you wanted to bribe the POTUS privately, theoretically all you would need to do is let him know that you’ll be buying a specific amount. The President’s “financial” team could easily confirm that the transaction happened and no one else would be able to trace it. But there’s no need to get that elaborate with it, because there are zero consequences if you just brazen it out. For example, Trump held an exclusive dinner for the top buyers of his meme coin—a refreshing drop of the usual snooty pretensions and fig leaves around bribing public officials. The dinner was a pure, raw transaction: Drive up the price of the president’s coin and thus his family’s wealth enough and you get direct access to a world leader. No muss, no fuss! Spiro Agnew must have been seething with jealousy from his sea of boiling pitch.
And yes, that’s all genius, but sometimes you want a more traditional and sentimental bribe, something the sitting President of the United States can see and fondle. Once again, it’s easy to assume that this has to be a huge gesture, like Tim Cook giving Trump a special plaque and also dropping a quick $1 million into his inauguration fund. Or maybe you’re intimidated by Qatar giving Trump an entire plane.
But truly, that homespun boy from Queens has an agreeable unwillingness to delve into the origins of a gift. For example, once you know that Qatar had been trying to get rid of the plane for years, the process of bribing the sitting President of the United States seems a lot less daunting, doesn’t it? Now combine that with the fact that the President has simple tastes—in the sense that simply everything must be gold—and doesn’t much care about the origin or purity so long as it is sparkly. For example, the luxurious gold ornaments that seem to have been hot-glued all over the White House have been credibly traced to Home Depot.
Did you feel that rush of financial freedom when you read that last sentence? While a million-dollar gift or a piece of major aeronautical equipment doesn’t hurt, it truly is the thought, creativity, and effusive flattery behind the gift that matters.
Do you want to be able to pay your minimum-wage workers with high-fee debit cards and lottery tickets? Give Donald Trump a Sovereign’s Orb befitting a…global ruler, wink wink. All you have to do is spray-paint a grapefruit and stick the top of a Crown Royal bottle on top.
Would you like to dump your factory waste straight into the local drinking water? Have your intern peel the wrappers off 300 Rolos and glue them to an old Big Mouth Billy Bass. (Don’t forget to take out the batteries or the jig is up!)
Do you have your old marching band uniform from high school? With some sunglasses and a sash from Spirit Halloween, you now have a uniform fit for a strongman—complete with a fancy plume and epaulettes! And I bet you’re getting your own reserved parking spot at any national park you want, for as long as Mr. Trump and the Republicans decide to keep those.
Don’t be afraid to get creative! Spray-paint a plastic squirt bottle gold, fill it with tap water and the food coloring of your choice and bingo! A magical elixir that cures all diseases and is exactly as effective and well researched as anything RFK Jr. has ever proposed. And I’d like to see Doris try to take over the PTA now! Not while you mysteriously have Seal Team Six on your side.
I know this all feels like a whirlwind. The important thing is that it is fun to bribe the sitting President of the United States, and there is a lot of infrastructure in place to make sure that the process is extremely easy. It’s arguably the largest infrastructure project Trump has completed in either term.
Remember, this doesn’t have to be a one-time thing. Keep the ideas and the bribes flowing! Because no matter how frequently or blatantly you bribe the current President of the United States, there is one thing you can be sure of: There is not a single Republican member of Congress who will try to stop you.
