Terrible Jeans: Why RFK Jr. Insists on Working Out in Denim
It’s hovering around 387th on the list of baffling things about Robert F. Kennedy Jr., but once you notice, you keep seeing it: The United States Secretary of Health and Human Services insists on working out in jeans. Whether he’s doing a short-stack of push-ups or hiking in 90-degree heat, the man is sure to be wearing the business end of a Canadian tuxedo. If you watch that push-up video, you’ll notice that he is wearing belted jeans, which feels like the third thing that happens when the main characters of a horror movie are slowly realizing that Brett may not be human.
RFK Jr. has explained his cumbersome sweatbox attire by saying that he developed the habit when he used to go hiking in jeans and then go straight to the gym, which is like saying that you started wearing tarantulas to work because you put them on top of your head at the coffee shop.
I have seen a video of The Worst Kennedy working out bare-chested in belted jeans with his shirt tucked into the back of his waistband, which suggests that RFKJ does not understand how lockers work. Maybe he spent hours standing in locker rooms, brow furrowed, wondering why others are able to use the magical metal treasure chambers so easily.
However, his story of striding into the gym straight from a hike without even brushing the tarantulas off his head suggests that RFK Jr. has not ever seen a locker room. If he has no change of clothes in the first place, he must be achieving maximum sweatiness and then just…walking back out. That would be the second explanation of why his car smells so bad. In fairness, the dried sweat is most likely not the top note. Just an underlying tang to the more prominent scents of roadkill and rotting whale juice.
That said, I believe I have an even better explanation for why RFK Jr. works out in jeans.
There was a time when I wouldn’t make a such a broad claim without evidence, but the man himself has shown me that I was being foolish. Why not claim that pesticides turn cis children transgender if that is the truth that whispers from your heart? My high school biology teacher Mrs. Cascio taught us that we shouldn’t start with a conclusion and then batter the science until it matches, but wow, is RFK Jr. showing her. He believes that vaccines cause health issues and solve none, and has decided to make it true by sheer force of will, indignant shouting, and occasionally demanding the retraction of scientific papers that prove him wrong.
I also didn’t used to think that you should casually diagnose people by glancing at them, but shut my mouth, because genius self-made scientist and vibe doctor RFK Jr. can get a full read on someone’s mitochondria just by glancing at them while walking through an airport.
I don’t have a degree in science or medicine, and I have no certifications in physical fitness. Which works great because neither does our nation’s top health official. I am feeling very free and unfettered in terms of making authoritative pronouncements.
My official diagnosis, which should be taken just as seriously as any that have been made by Bobby Jox, is this: Robert F. Kennedy Junior wears jeans to work out and refuses to shower at the gym afterwards because he has scrawny little chicken legs. I don’t mean that metaphorically. I don’t mean that he keeps skipping Leg Day in favor of vanity muscles like pecs and biceps. I am saying that he has actual chicken legs.
You know those folktales where a young woman dances with a compelling stranger all night and then at the last minute she looks down and sees a cloven hoof poking out from his trouser cuff? It’s that, but it’s a chicken foot. He probably has to curl his grabby little chicken toes around and around so painfully to stuff them into his human shoes. I would feel some compassion for that if his policies weren’t going to cause thousands if not millions of deaths, but they are, so I don’t.
RFK Jr. has scrawny little chicken legs with wispy little half-feathers still attached to them. I do not need any medical qualifications to assert this. I do not need to run any real studies. If you send me “proof” or “evidence” or “basic common sense” arguments saying anything to the contrary, I will reject them and demand a retraction.
And you must admit, it would explain a lot.
Please join me in shouting that RFK Jr. has chicken legs until the press starts reporting it as a controversy. And in the meantime, please do yourself a favor and wear normal clothes to work out in.
